Saturday, March 19, 2011

An open letter to the public transit...

Of course, living in a small city (large town?) for school means I am also beholden to the nastiness of the local transit company. I, and others, are loathe to call it a transit company since their vehicular monoculture is confined to the lowly bus instead of a mix of bus, light rail, and/or subway. Every season poses its own challenges in terms of 'transit experience,' but the Spring and its duality of warmth and humidity promote the worst possible olfactory outcome. In that vein, what follows is my open letter to every local public transit commission:

Dear Transit Commissioner or reasonable facsimile thereof,

I'm writing to you to voice my mild discontent with the state of the transit buses on routes [X, Y, & Z]. It is apparent to more than just me that the buses are in a state of chronic disrepair, but more importantly they just plain smell bad. It's not so much that their air is permeated by the offensive odours, but that they are embedded in every fibre of every seat cover. On days when the thermometer enters the double digits and humidity is hanging high the combination of the effervescences promote headaches, nausea, and discontent. Please note a list (by no means comprehensive) of the offending nosehair curlers:

  • a) Stale urine;
    b) stale tobacco smoke;
    c) body odour (3 days old);
    d) body odour (5+ days old);
    e) rancid skunk (I'm not sure what causes this, but please find a way to control it)

  • Never being one to voice a beef without offering potential solutions, I offer this: Please find a method to neutralise the aforementioned wafters and replace them with any or all of the following:

  • a) The scent of cinnamon buns. Install Cinnabon kiosks in all public buses. I'm sure the franchising options would be very profitable;
    b) Coffee. Though Starbucks does not franchise their business, you may obtain a license to brew their coffee. The profit potential is mammoth;
    c) Bath and Body Works Papaya hand sanitizer. It is floral, delightful, and soft on hands.

  • If you could see these changes be made as soon as possible, it would be appreciated by all who use our transit system.

    Best regards,

    Cranky Grad Student

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